Parenting battles are part of life, and those battles change
as children get older. An important part of parenting is choosing your battles
carefully. There are many things you want your teen to do or not do, but trying
to enforce all of them is overwhelming both to you and your child. Stand firm
on those things that involve your teen's health or safety, are part of your
values system and that will help your child become a productive citizen.
Young Teens
The same types of rules are important at each stage of your
child's life, but the younger the teen, the more necessary it is that rules are
spelled out clearly and the consequences in place.
Children of this age are starting to assert their independence
from their parents, while imitating their friends' actions and styles. It's
easy to get into battles over clothing and hair, social media or schoolwork.
Although it may be hard to give in on these issues, choose to enforce rules
that are about values, safety and learning to be responsible. Young teens need
freedom within strictly set boundaries.
Respect is a must. This includes respect for parents, teachers
and other authorities. It also includes respect for peers, siblings and
property or possessions.
Young teens may feel they need to start dating, but
interactions with the opposite sex at this age are best limited to group and
school activities. Pairing off with little supervision isn't something they are
ready for.
Young teens still need to be supervised. Friends shouldn't be
invited over when there's no adult home, nor should they go to a friend's house
where there is no supervision. Wandering the mall unsupervised also is not a
good idea.
Limited screen time—computers, iPads and other media—allows
your child time to interact with family, complete chores and school work and
get enough sleep. Have your child's passwords so you can monitor his activity,
and keep computers and iPads in an area of the house that is monitored. Collect
cell phones before homework time or at bedtime.
Middle Teens
At this age teens have the means to be more independent. They
may have a part-time job and a driver's license. More of their time is spent
away from home in places where parents don't control the environment. A balance
of offering guidance and allowing them enough freedom to make their own
mistakes and gains is important.
Avoid battles about clothing and hair styles but insist on
modesty, cleanliness and decency. Hair that's longer than you'd like on your
son or that has a streak of pink on your daughter isn't nearly as important as
that it's clean and combed--as long as it doesn't represent an attitude problem
or rebellion.
At this age,
drivers are still inexperienced and having rules about passengers in the car
and how late your teen can drive will help him have a better chance of being
accident or ticket free.
Rules for dating
and hanging out with friends need to be in place. The rules may vary by
situation and responsibility—you can be out later because you're at a school
event, or you've been home on time every night so you can stay out an hour
later than usual. Make sure you know where your teen is in the evening hours.
Even "good kids" can get into trouble when not held accountable.
Completing chores and homework need to be a prerequisite for driving and
dating.
Older Teens
Your older teen may suddenly decide he's adult and can do what
he wants. But if he lives under your roof, he needs to be willing to follow the
rules that will keep him safe and on the road to successfully living on his
own.
Your older teen should be actively involved in making plans
for his future. While you can guide him and help him find out where to get
applications and when they are due, completing and submitting them are his
responsibility.
If your teen seems more interested in hanging out with friends
than filling out scholarship forms or applications, you may have to sit down
and make a list of things that must be done and when.
At this age hopefully your teen will be abstaining from drugs,
alcohol and wrong relationships not only because of your rules, but because
it's part of his own personal values. If you see warning signs that things are
going on that shouldn't be, don't be afraid to confront him. Help your teen
understand both the pitfalls of wrong choices.
There are many parenting battles that will be fought over the
years as your child journeys from infancy to adulthood. Trying to fight every
battle will leave you exhausted. Focus on the things that are most important as
you guide your child through life.
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